#902 235

I’m 20 and for the past months, I’ve been thinking about the fact that I have never fallen in love. I don’t even think I’ve had related crushed before. Sure I’ve been attracted to boys but the attraction never lasted more than a week. The thing is that I felt so ashamed of this that, whenever I talk about boys I’m attracted to , I exaggerate the feelings I have for them. I’m a girl and I feel so weird when I listen to my friends talking about their boyfriends and their crushes because I have never felt those things. So I fake them in order to feel like a normal girl. I lied to people around me and to myself and I feel like it’s so toxic.
I should accept this whole thing because not falling in love is normal, even though I’m 20. Maybe I didn’t have the second experiences girls had during their teenage years but I will eventually fall in love.

Also, I am very scared of actually falling in love. What I’d I fall for someone that doesn’t love me back? What if I fall in love with someone I can’t be with? Someone my family won’t approve? I’m Muslim and dating is a weird topic in our culture. We have to marry another Muslim and, to be honest, I really wouldn’t care less about which religion my partner would be. Of course it would be nice to share the same values and stuff, but it really doesn’t change much. What I’m scared of is my family’s reaction to that. If they don’t like him then dating him would be almost impossible.
Sometimes when I think about this I tell myself that I don’t have to worry because no one will ever love me in the first place. I have so many insecurities that make me thing that no one will love me. I tell myself that nobody will ever love a depressed and anxious girl, aside from the fact that I feel ugly.

I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.

July 6, 2020 |